The End of Santa...

So I am driving up to Taco Bell because of the severe food shortage in my fridge. This is not my wife's fault. No, I just don't want to dig around in there and figure out how to make something for myself when she isn't home. And Taco Bell is 2 minutes away.

Really, I am minding my own business, trying not to look at the snotty blond woman in the BMW in front of me that cut in line in the drive through. I am trying not to be in any way judgmental or bitter. I am trying to convince myself to turn the other cheek and not throw my chewing gum out the window at her car. And I don't buy her stupid 'Honor Students' bumper sticker either.

While I wait, I decide to turn on the radio and listen to the latest news.

According to news from the U.K...

Jolly Old Saint Nick is going on a diet. Apparently, Santa Clause is obese. He is no longer being allowed to be his jolly fat self because he must think of the example he is setting for the children of the world.

This year, Santa is getting himself a gym membership for Christmas. This year, Santa wont have to perform magic to climb down your 4" flu-pipe chimney. Rather, he will slide down the pole in his boxers, showing off his newly formed pec muscles and abs.

Think of the example you are setting for the children Santa! You are non-verbally teaching the children that it is OK to be fat. It is OK to be obese. It is OK to have a bowl full of jelly as a belly. If you're not careful Santa, Al Gore may come after you next as a co-contributer to the world's destruction and ruination of the species. All these fat kids running around need to be taught that being skinny is next to being godly.

So throw away those red furry decorations of the former obese Santa that you may have on your Christmas trees (Oh. I'm sorry. We can't say the word 'Christmas' any more). Throw away your holiday trees people.

This year, Santa will be wearing body-builder spandex. As if the holiday season doesn't bring enough guilt and weight loss New-years-Resolutions - NO.

WE MUST LIPOSUCTION SANTA AND SAVE THE WORLD FROM OBESITY.

LETS GO AHEAD AND NEUTER RUDOLPH AS WELL! DECREASE THE FLAMING DEER POPULATION THAT IS WREAKING HAVING ON EL NINO! NEUTER ALL THE OTHER REINDEER AS WELL!

LETS TAKE THE DANCE OUT OF DANCER AND THE PRANCE OUT OF PRANCER! BLITZER WILL NEVER BLITZ AGAIN!

AND WHAT ABOUT THE ELVES! ALL THE LITTLE FAT WEIRD ELVES? WHY AREN'T THE ELVES INCLUDED IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES? ITS DISCRIMINATION! LETS ALL PUT ON GREEN RIBBONS AND SUPPORT THE CURE FOR THE ABUSE OF ELVES!

What kind of pathetic sad little world is this.....?

MY SANTA IS STAYING FAT!! JOLLY OLD FAT OBESE SANTA IS COMING DOWN MY CHIMNEY AND I AM LEAVING HIM COOKIES AND MILK AND CHEESECAKE AND FRAPPACINNO'S!

Stock up on guns people. I think we may need them in the future.

Cheers.

King Spencer & Murry the Hippo

Once upon a time, there was a king named Spencer who had a magical bright red shiny robe. King Spencer lived in a land far away called Eklo. Everyone who lived in Eklo helped each other out and in general, tried to make life work for the best, even when things were bad. Every business in the city worked with all the other businesses to make Eklo the best possible city to live in.

King Spencer worked very hard to make Eklo the greatest city in the land. He had crews taking care of the orphans and widows, crews working to keep the streets clean, he had doctors visiting the sick, and lawmakers who were just.

But as is always the case with big cities, King Spencer couldn't be perfect all the time. Sometimes the food for the orphans would show up really late. Sometimes the visitors to the city were called mean names. Sometimes neighbors didn't love each other the way they should have. And sometimes widows like Carmen the Thanerous were forgotten in all the busyness. And all of these things made King Spencer really sad.

To make matters worse, whenever there were sad people in the city, King Spencer's magical bright red shiny robe would become dirty and faded. This would make King Spencer work extra hard to make people happy so that his magical red robe would stay bright and shiny.

He stayed up late into the night thinking of ways to make Eklo better. He wrote out lists and plans, thoughts and inspirations, and other ways to make the city better down onto his notepad. But every time King Spencer tried a new strategy to help the orphans, sick, widows, and neighbors, his plans never worked quite perfectly.

The King began to wonder if it was even possible to have a perfect city that did everything it was supposed to do.

Then, on a cold crisp Monday morning, the King awoke to someone speaking in the city gate. He got up, put on his magical robe which wasn't so bright because of all the sad people in the city, and rushed down the stairs of the palace to the gate. Along the way, he was joined by Faris the Goriphant & Chester the Lampoon. When they arrived at the city gate they found a Hippopotamus named Murry speaking to the people of the city.

Murry the Hippo did not like living in Eklo. He told the people that King Spencer had failed to be a good king.

'King Spencer doesn't help the poor, feed the widows, or help the immigrants!' said Murry. 'He doesn't love everyone all the time. Sometimes the streets are dirty. Sometimes his bright red robe doesn't look so good. King Spencer doesn't know how to run a good city!'

Then, Murry the Hippo invited all the people living in the city of Eklo to follow him to a new city, a better city, that was being built in the distance.

'It's called Thotwel, and its the best place to live!' said Murry. 'It's not like Eklo. In Thotwel, all of the problems concerning the widows, neighbors, and orphans are addressed, and our King is wise beyond his years. He knows how to focus on the things which are truly important!'

Then, with a big yawn and the snap of his teeth, Murry waddled out of the city gates on his way to Thotwel. Then Alice, the Chikatoo bird asked Spencer,

'Is all this true? Do you really not know how we can solve these problems that Murry talked about? Are you not able to fix Eklo? Is your robe always going to be the faded and worn looking?'

King Spencer tried his best to answer. 'I don't know all these things yet. I don't know how to fix Eklo. I have tried many things but I haven't found a way that works all the time! Sometimes my ideas work, and sometimes they don't. But I am trying to find an answer.'

The Alice said to King Spencer, 'Maybe you should go talk to the King of Thotwel. Murry says he's already figured out the answers and that all the problems are addressed. Surely he is wise beyond his years! Until then, I am going to move to Thotwel.'

Then, as Alice turned to follow after Murry, most of the citizens of Eklo followed as well! Chester the Lampoon, Faris the Goriphant, Carmen the Thanerous, and many others left to follow Murry the Hippo to the city of Thotwel.

'Don't go! Please don't go!' cried King Spencer. But it was too late.

Murry, Alice, Faris, Carmen, and the others were gone into the distance.



TO BE CONTINUED....

Silence please...

I'm driving down 75 (about 15 mph) on my way home in the midst of the sea of crawling ants (also on their ways home) and I make a remarkable discovery.

The radio is absolute crap.

Not the actual radio per say, but the music that is playing through the radio. My radio is actually quite decent, save the blown speaker I need to replace (it's always something with vehicles. You drive them off the lot and then BAM, you gotta fix some stupid expensive thing).

As I flip through the channels I notice these choices:

'Grammerless' by Fergi

Kenye West using the word 'wronger'. Hello? Dictionary? Even Wikepedia would work. Or maybe he has so much junk in his grill that he cant speak straight.

One frickin American Idol star after another (I could have told you Taylor Hicks was never going to get anywhere big - but I hate that show so who cares?)

Big Pimpin (I don't know who it's by and I don't care to look it up)

Duran Duran

Britney Spears singing 'Gimme More' - which if she was talking about clothes or sanity I wouldn't mind so much.

Beethoven's 2nd Symphony

Little John barking something like the animal his songs make him out to be. A dog in heat per say...

A Cher remix. Does the woman ever go away?

And of course, my wife's favorite - the Beatles. The song doesn't matter. She loves them all. even the weirder albums.


So, given the ridiculous state of talent in the music industry (I see about as much talent there as I see in my cat), I decided to save the little gray cells (and my vocabulary) in my brain by shutting the radio off completely when not listening to classical music. It took a full week just to break the habit of not turning the radio on when I got into the car. It seems my hand just natural goes for the volume knob.

And then the silence sets in. Not real silence though because my car is a convertible and lets the traffic noise in like a wet Kleenex. But a traffic-like silence set in.

It's amazing where your brain will go when you don't fill it full of stupid grammerless distractions. Its kinda like cleaning up your hard drive on the computer. I could feel my brain throwing away gobs of trash and useless information (including some people's names that I probably should have remembered).

After a month of this, I have felt much better than before the stupid-music fast. I feel less stress, less anxiety, less frustration. You know the old saying, 'Garbage in, garbage out.' It applies here. Really.

Turn off the skubala people (skubala is the Greek word for crap only stronger). Let your brain breathe. Clean it out. Kick that arrogant egomaniac Justin Timberlake to the curb. If you never heard him again your life would be worlds better for it (I'm convinced he would marry himself if he could ever break away from staring at himself in his mirror).

Bring on the silence. Let it roar.

Cheers.

Lick your wounds...

So today I delivered a sermon to one of my Seminary classes. This is the sermon I posted in the previous blog called 'Decaf or Regular '. I have been working on this sermon for the last month and a half.

The way preaching at school works is....the class already knows my three points. They already know my introduction. They know somewhat how I am going to conclude as well. The element of surprise in non-existent.
Basically, I am preaching to a class of Biblical Scholars who are only there to critique my method, stance, strength, and major points. It's not at all intimidating or stressful.

So right off the bat, I brought the wrong type of blank DVD. (Did I mention they film this thing so that they can replay it and point out more of your flaws? The flaws they forgot until they saw it again on the TV?) +R / -R ......as if there is not enough on my mind already.

Then, I turned in one form, but failed to turn in another. I failed to turn in the other because I didn't realize there was another form. I should have checked the syllabus again I guess... Strike Two.

As far as the presentation went, I did pretty well. Lots of energy and such.

But at the end of the sermon the prof raked me over the coals. For about 10 minutes. What makes it worse, is that pretty much everything he said I did wrong...I agreed with. I couldn't even argue or blame it on bad coffee.

So in essence, I got my butt kicked. At 7:45 AM. A great way to start a day. A nice butt kicking with a prof and 12 students to contribute.

And then, after the prof was done drilling me, a student came up trying to be encouraging and told me all about how he heard another pastor preach on this passage and I left out a crucial element that could have wrapped my points up better and.... blah blah blah.

Shut up.

If you want to be encouraging, say, 'Hey. Your shirt looks nice.' Don't rewrite my crappy sermon for me.

So now I do what I always do. I pick myself up, lick my wounds for a while, and remind myself that pain is weakness leaving the body. I wont make the same mistake(s) next time (which is in 4 weeks).

Preaching God's word isn't easy. Especially to know-it-all Seminary students. But if you can preach even a moderately mediocre sermon to them...then heck, I call it a good day.

May your day be critic-free.
Cheers.

Decaf or Regular?

Can you tell the difference between decaf and regular coffee just by looking at it? Maybe just by smelling it? Tasting it? At eight o’clock the night before my Hebrew final I thought I could. I opened the cabinet in the kitchen to find several containers of coffee, none of which had labels. So I pried the lids open one by one until I found the coffee that I supposed was the decaf. But at four in the morning the night before my Hebrew final, I realized that although the coffee had appeared to be decaf, although the coffee had smelled like decaf, had even tasted like decaf; the coffee was not decaf, but rather a French roast filled with caffeination.

Just as the appearance of the coffee did not guarantee it’s authenticity, so also the appearance of faith does not guarantee it’s authenticity. It is really easy to surround yourself with piles of spiritual books and spiritual people. It’s easy to fill your time with spiritual activites, Christian lectures and studies, to wear Christian T-shirts and bracelets; it is easy to appear as one with a thriving, growing, rich faith. But is your faith really authentic? Or is it a façade?

In Mark chapter eleven (11:11-22) we find Jesus in Jerusalem with his disciples, and he encounters what appears to be thriving faith at the temple.

1. Appearances can be deceiving. A bit cliché I know, but it’s true.

I coach a youth soccer team of boys ages 12-16. On my team is a boy named Joel. He is the tiniest player on my team, 4’-1”, weighing in at 86 pounds. Joel is a defender. Typically a coach will want tall, lanky, fast players for defense. But not me. I will put Joel back there every chance I get. Why? Because Joel is fearless and tougher than nails. Some might say indestructible. It doesn’t matter how big the other players are, Joel will take them out. He will tackle, he will steal the ball, he will scrap it out and you wont get by him. Joel is my secret weapon because other coaches only see his size and not his tenaciousness. Appearances can be deceiving.

In verse eleven, Jesus and the disciples go into the temple and it says Jesus looked all around. He assessed the situation, realized that it was evening (not the best time for teaching a lesson) and left. The next day Jesus came back with the disciples in verse 15 and he ‘cast out those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the money-changers and the seats of those who were selling doves, and he would not permit anyone to carry goods through the temple.’

There are a couple things to notice. First, this is the temple in Jerusalem; probably the most popular and busy temple anywhere around during this time. Picture the crowds of people at the State Fair on its last weekend of the year. When you walk in the gates of the State Fair and you see the throng of people you think to yourself, Wow. This is the place to be.

But after you walk around for a while and you see the 1,200 pound pig, after you eat a bunch of fried food, after you see a couple shows, you think this place isn’t all that great after all and you want to go home.

Jesus walks through the gate entering Jerusalem and he immediately sees a throng of people at the temple. By all appearances it looks to be the place to be. But as he gets closer he sees that the temple is filled with the wrong kind of people.

The temple was supposed to be a place of meaning and purpose; a place of worship. To present a sacrifice or offering to God was supposed to be a serious event, something not taken lightly. But instead, the temple is filled with vendors and moneychangers.

The temple had become a place of convenience, where you could get things your way, delivered to your car window in a matter of minutes. You didn’t need to bring any sacrifices of your own because you could buy them there at the temple. You could probably pay others to make the sacrifice for you if you chose to be that lazy (to get back to the things in life that were really important). All of the thought and meaning behind the purpose of the temple had been replaced for convenience and efficiency. This is why Jesus says in verse 17, ‘my house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations, but you have turned it into a robbers den.’

The appearance of faith does not guarantee authentic faith; true faith. Appearances can be deceiving.

2. Faith must be judged by it’s fruit.

If you want authentic faith, there has to be evidence of fruit.

This is why the fig tree is so important in this story. Notice in verse 12 that Jesus was hungry. He was looking for real fruit, and from a distance he saw the fig tree and in verse 13 it says the tree was ‘in leaf’. It had a full, bushy, healthy appearance. But as Jesus examined the tree for fruit; nothing was there. Why is nothing there? Because the tree was out of season.

And Jesus cursed the fig tree anyway.

This always used to bother me. Why did Jesus curse a tree for doing what the tree always does? Trees have seasons and they typically stick to their cycle. You don't see a lot of rogue trees out there.

But notice when this occurs. Jesus had just visited the temple in the previous verse and he had seen the throngs of people and the appearance of thriving faith. But he had also noticed the lack of true worship and faith. Just like the temple, the fig tree appeared to be healthy and growing, but just like the temple, there was no fruit to be found on it.

My wife has all these little tricks when it comes to choosing produce. You want a good cantaloupe, you smell it. You want a good watermelon; you knock on it and see if it sounds hollow. Banana’s need a hint of green still left on them so they last longer. Avocados need to feel firm and the darker the green the better. I didn’t know any of this stuff until after I was married. During college I had pretty much stopped buying any kind of healthy food because I kept bringing things like peaches home and when I’d bite into them they would either be as hard as a rock, or so mushy I would end up gagging.

But just like my wife knows how to pick a good melon, Jesus knows that faith without fruit isn’t authentic. It’s just a show. A sad façade.

3. Faith without Fruit has Consequences.

Jesus, in verse 15, saw the lack of fruit at the temple and he cleaned it out. He was violent, physical, and purposefully confrontational. Jesus made a complete mess of the tables, the coins were flying everywhere, the doves were flying in panic-stricken circles, goats were running around, and moneychangers were using four letter Greek words. The priests in verse 18 were so mad they began plotting how to kill Jesus. Faith without fruit has consequences.

Jesus cursed the fig tree for its lack of fruit in verse 14. Then in verse 20 after they left the cleaned-out temple, they passed by the fig tree again and it had withered from the roots up. I’m not a scholar of horticulture, but when trees die, they typically do not wither from the roots first. Typically they start dying from the limbs and the roots are the last thing to go. This tree experienced a radical withering death in a very short amount of time. When Peter saw the torched tree, he said in verse 21, Rabbi, behold, the tree which you cursed has withered.’

I don’t know what Peter exactly thought was going to happen to the tree. I don’t know why he is surprised. But Jesus’ response in 22 is critical. He says, ‘Have faith in God.’ The appearance of faith isn’t enough. Being in a place of faith surrounded by faithful people isn’t enough. True faith, authentic faith must have fruit because,

Faith without fruit has consequences.

Conclusion

Without a label, when you just have grounds to look at; there is no way to differentiate decaf coffee from regular. The grade of my Hebrew final can testify to that. I can stare at it all day, I can smell different bags for hours, and in the end it will be a coin toss. A lucky guess maybe.

Which are you? Is your faith the real deal, or maybe you just look a lot like the real deal? Do you know? Is God’s word transforming you from the inside out? Or is it all just head knowledge? Do you find yourself becoming more patient, kind, gentle, loving? Do your friends at church see fruit in your life? Or do you feel like you are putting on a show every time you see certain people? Are you telling your wife / husband you love them and then neglecting to spend time with them? Do you find yourself spending more and more time at work rather than going home to your family? Are you consistently involving yourself in service to others, or do you always have more important stuff to do? Does your worship of God have meaning and purpose, or are you looking for a more convenient time, a more efficient way to go about it?

It is easy to put on the appearance of faith. But appearances can be deceiving, and God sees past the appearance and he is looking for fruit. Is he finding it in you? Because if he’s not, there will be consequences. I don’t know exactly what the consequences will be, but I am confident the consequences will not be fun. Let me encourage you to stop the business for just a little while and examine your faith. Is it real? Is there fruit? Are you the real thing, keeping people awake all night? Or are you a dud?

Cheers.

What's in a Name....

Growing up, I watched as my mom had three more kids. Her friends also had kids. My Aunts and Uncles had kids. Everybody had kids. Kids, kids, kids....

And every kid that came along had a name. Some names were better than others....but they all had names and I just thought that kids were born with name tags attached to their feet or something. What I didn't know was that naming a child is not easy and many people end up with serious drama going on over the name that they pick for their little spawni.

You would think it would be as easy as 1 -2 - his name is Bob (or her name is Bob. I don't want to be sexist). But it's not. Family names get tossed around....guilt trips are laid upon people, and names get stolen and used. Families end up in huge arguments over names.

But we are all going to die soon so we must keep things in perspective and stop wasting our time right?

So being myself, I have decided to end this world wide problem that has lasted for centuries. I have two suggestions...maybe three for you to consider when naming your spawn.

1. Only choose names from the Chason's Approved List. These names are:

Boys:

Chason (your best choice)

Avery (also works for a girl name)

Bob (never gets old)

Will

William

Edward

William Wallace (yes, the adding of 'Wallace' does make a huge difference)

Vin Deisel (sure it promotes baldness...but the name sounds like it could kick your name's butt)

Girls:

Annie (the sun will come up tomorrow chick. You can't go wrong)

Caroline (this is a royalty name people)

There are only two girls names.

Idea # 2. Don't tell anyone. This includes anyone that could consider themselves to be human, or that breathes. By not telling anyone until the little sucker shoots out...you eliminate any drama at least up until the birth. And then, it's too late...the kid has a name and it's to late to go back.

Idea # 3. You combine the husband and wife's name to make the name.

Examples:

Bob + Pam = Bam

Gordon + Chastity = Gastity

Oscar + Pam = Oscar the Grouch

Sebastian + Casper = Sebastar (be careful how you say this one)

There you go people. Now that I have solved your naming issues, you can go back to bickering about whatever it was you were bickering about before you found out you had spawn coming.

Cheers

Marrying Cain

God creates Adam.
God creates Eve from Adam's rib.
Adam and Eve beget sons, Cain & Abel.
Cain kills Abel.
Then there are 3.

Right?

But then it says, 'Then Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden. And Cain had relations with his wife and she conceived, and gave birth to Enoch..' (Gen 4:16-17a).

So where did this chick come from for Cain to marry? Did she just appear out of no where? Did God secretly create more people that were running around the world creating weirdly named cities like Nod? Did Cain marry a sister?

It's so funny to me that out of all the issues presented in the Bible, out of all the strange stories and works of God therein, out of all the thousands of questions that can be created after reading said book; the issue of Cain's wife keeps coming up as a stumbling block to faith. Just in the last year I have had this conversation at least 4 or 5 times with people. So while it's not a big deal to me, I will discuss my reasons here with you in hopes of removing this issue from the table.

When I was 12 I played on a Little League Baseball team that was very competitive. While I was a great Short Stop, I was also a great 50/50 Pitcher. I say 50/50 because I either pitched excellently, striking everyone out; or I self-destructed on the mound allowing hit after hit through a blur of tears. I had low self esteem and I simply couldn't handle the pressure of letting my team down if I didn't do well.

So one day when I knew the coach was going to have me pitch in the game, I developed a fake sore shoulder. When he put me on the mound to warm up, after every pitch I complained about my fake wounded shoulder. After all my whining, coach finally put me back at Short Stop where I wouldn't have to throw as much and someone else took over the mound. By focusing everyone on a minor issue that didn't really exist...I deflected my coach and team mates from the real issue at hand........I was scared to fail.

Misdirection.

I believe that God created Adam as the first man to ever exist. I don't believe God created any other people groups at the same time. This is why God says the man was alone (Gen 2:18). It is very important that Adam be the first man and that all other people are descendants of Adam because sin entered into the world through Adam (1st Cor 15:21-22) and corrupted everyone else to come. If there were other men running around, this would negate this concept.

Further, through Jesus, unity between men and God was restored (Heb 9:22). So sin comes through one man, and restoration comes through one man.

The point: Everybody came from Adam....we are DNA bound to Adam....we can't escape that our heritage begins with Adam.

Then God created Eve from Adam's rib. This was God's way of providing for Adam. So Adam and Eve have a good sexual relationship and they beget sons, Cain and Abel. But Cain and Abel are not all of Adam's and Eve's kids!! There were a bunch more! Adam lived to be 930 years old (Gen 5:5). You can have a lot of children in 930 years. Since everybody is a descendant of Adam, Cain's choices for a wife were very little outside the family. But just as God provided for Adam, God also provided a wife for Cain. His sister.

Eww. So Cain married his sister? Incest? Isn't that very Arkansas? Jerry Springer? Isn't that against God's laws? Sure it is....but you need to notice two important things.

1st, God commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and be fruitful, to fill the Earth and subdue it (Gen 1:28). If Adam and Eve are the only family on the Earth.....then marriages are going to come from within the family. At least at the beginning. And this was in obedience to God. So Cain married his sister, and Cain's kids married their cousins and so forth. And God was happy.

2nd, God's laws concerning incest does not come until the time of Moses (Lev 18 - 20), much much later. At the beginning, God allowed this method of intermarriage in the family as part of the filling of the Earth. Once that was accomplished, then God created incestuous laws. But even these laws concerned marriage immediately within the family. It did not necessarily apply to cousins and such. The truth is, if you think about it...one way or another, if you go back far enough, everyone is related.

So Cain marrying his sister was an act of obedience to God. Further, Cain was not bound by any incestuous laws. Does this mean God endorses incest today? No!!! But this was the means for man's spread over the Earth at the beginning.

Does this make me uncomfortable? Sure. Being immersed in this culture, unable to truly detach from it enough to have an unbiased view, Cain's marriage to a sister is uncomfortable to me.
Does God do things and allow things that don't always make sense to me? Does God do things that make me uncomfortable? Yes. All the time. The Bible is filled with uncomfortable situations. Do I allow these things to prevent me from believing that God has a plan and purpose even if I don't understand it? Heck no.

Remember the Little League story? I bring this up to say that a lot of people, in order to avoid facing the real issues and struggles in their lives, try to divert attention onto smaller issues. Issues like Cain's marriage to his sister. If you can believe that God created the world, then you can believe that Cain married a sister. It's not like a miracle or something. I would encourage you to work at the deeper issues rather than diverting attention to other things that are not of top concern. I don't want to say that this is not an issue that needs to be discussed. Cain marrying his sister is certainly a good conversation to have.

But faith in God should not be deterred by such a small thing when so much is truly at stake. When there is a fire, you don't get the computer, books, TiVo, and your CD collection out first.

You rescue the people.

cheers.