Seven Boys

One more cigarette on top of the pool house
Before leaving here, leaving Amanda, Velvet, leaving me
Baggy pants, shag face, hint of fabric softener
One magnetized to California as a second savior, to follow the dream.

One alone, left to sleep, hand in hand with computer keys
No ambition but a decayed town in Northern Oklahoma
Longing for Velvet, for security, for laughter in his sleep
One found another to dominate and return home, never graduate.

One drank coffee to Smashing Pumpkins
Pre-Med philosopher reading Ayn Rand and writing poetry
Longing for Velvet, finding card-board and the simple-minded
One held captive by school loans and the search for residency.

One drank Dos XX and dollar-store rap
Pre-Med cutting frogs, the linger of ammonia and disinfectant
Found Velvet, moved in with a ring and well-placed promises
One in love with Tool, the warmth of Velvet, and Dos XX.

One dreamed of suburbs and stability
Morally virtuous with everything except fast cars
Traded Velvet for Velvet, but found cotton at fifteen that stuck
One remaining constant within three miles of beginning.

One dwelled in unknown lands never mapped
Playing Frisbee golf, swords, and learned to capture a story
Longed for Velvet, but found silk of class and perfection
One dreaming the creation of worlds and working his way up.

One dripped ambition, coffee, learning to create
Living for something after, trying new things, learning to dance
Longed for Velvet, found 700 count lace with the strength of nails
One living at 24 frames a second, holding hands.

Seven boys scattered across a nation
Waiting for paths to cross again.

Chason Laing 6.6.2007.

Why Doesn't God Heal Amputees?

So this guy asked me quite frankly (in a confrontational manner) if I believed in God, and more specifically, Jesus as God.

I told him I did.

He asked me if I believed that God performed miracles, and more specifically does God perform miracles even today. I told him yes, I believe God has and continues to perform miracles, even to today. He asks if I believe that God loves people, and that God is love. I agree. He then asked me his most profound question:

Why doesn't God heal amputees?

At this point, I stopped and analyzed the situation and the question. While I was doing this, the guy began (in a laughing manner) berating me because I believed such an ignorant set of beliefs. As it turns out, the guy is an atheist. He calls me stupid. Calls my God stupid. Calls anyone believing that God performs miracles stupid. He says that if God is so loving why doesn't he heal the peg-legged amputees. He says surely I wouldn't believe such bunk when so clearly God doesn't love the amputees and therefore God doesn't love me or him either.

He then tries to convert me.

***on a side note: Don't try to convert someone after you have just called him 'stupid'.***

I then opened my mouth and this is what followed.

'Well, why not go further than that? Why doesn't God heal the AIDS epidemic? Why doesn't God stop divorces from happening? Why doesn't God help all the poor abused peoples in Darfur? Why does God allow car accidents? Why is cancer spreading across the world? Why do some kids suddenly stop breathing when their parents take them home from the hospital after being born? Why doesn't God stop the war in Iraq? Why does God allow freak terrorists to fly commercial aircraft into buildings killing thousands of my brothers and sisters? Why doesn't God stop death?'

(Pause for side note: I am not making light of amputees in any shape or form. I wish I could give amputees back their limbs as much as they do. What I am doing here is taking an argument to a logical conclusion.)

'What would tie God's hands so-to-speak that would prevent him from doing all these things?'

He answered that God's hands were tied because God didn't exist. I said, 'My sister always threatens to punch me in the face. If she punched you in the face would you like it?'

Of course he wouldn't like it.

'Why not?' I asked. He says that it would be wrong. That she has no right to punch him in the face.

I asked him who decides what's right and wrong. He says the general public does for the sake of the people. I ask him why we needed such rules for the general public. He says because people aren't perfect and these rules help people behave well, for the benefit of all.

So I ask, 'So no ones perfect.' He agrees.

Then I open my mouth and this follows:

'What if I made cookie dough for you. Your favorite kind (chocolate chip). And I mixed it all in a big bowl. Now, it is a nice day outside and I left the window open in the kitchen and while my back is turned a New York pigeon flies into the kitchen and poops right into the cookie dough. I shoo the bird back outside and then do my best to scrape the bird crap out of the cookie dough bowl the best I can. Then I mix up the dough, bake some cookies, and bring the dough to you. Would you eat the cookies?

He says he most absolutely would not eat the cookies.

I ask why not. He says because the crap may have seeped into the dough. I tell him I got most of the crap out of the dough and if any was left in the dough, it would be the tiniest amount. He doesn't care. He still wont eat the cookies. He would throw the batch away and start over. He says the cookies are now tainted.

Tainted.

So I say, 'What if God wanted perfect people. But no perfect people existed. Instead, he has a bunch of tainted people running around, killing each other, lying, stealing, blowing peoples legs off. Now if I were God by your actions, I would throw the whole batch away. But that would mean that you and I are toast. Right here, right now. We are crispy. Tainted.'

I pause for a moment, waiting for God to smoke us. Then, after God hasn't smoked us for a couple seconds, I say:

'But we aren't toast. You and I are still here. Which means God is relenting. Why? Because if he does he would have to throw us away. But if he relents, then bad things are going to happen because we are an imperfect people doing wicked things in a wicked world.

So while we're here, people are going to die in wars. Thugs are going to take over countries. Cancer will continue to spread. AIDS wont go away. Politicians will continue to lie and mislead. You will catch the flu. There are consequences for evil. And God's inaction, God's allowing these horrible things to continue, is a sign of love. Not that he loves the evil things that are going on. But that he is not frying this whole place because he loves us enough to give us the chance to turn to him.

And when God does perform a miracle, when the Doctors go in to perform surgery and they find that the cancer isn't there, and they have no idea why; this is God acting in this wicked world, making it easier to live here, showing people that he does love them despite their wickedness.

When we feel like God isn't performing enough miracles, when we feel like God could act and should act, but then God doesn't; it's not because he doesn't exist.

***this has only been about 1/5 the actual conversation. But I can't type everything down, it gets too long. I know this isn't a perfectly designed and presented argument. But I think it gets down to the point. People want God to do amazing miracles, things that they can see, in order to believe in God. This attitude has been present since the beginning of creation. ***

To conclude....I recently heard that scientists are calling the planet Jupiter 'Earth's Angel & Protector.' They are calling Jupiter this because apparently, Jupiter is so big, and has such a large gravitational pull, that most comets and large asteroids that would in fact hit Earth, are stopped by Jupiter, sucked into Jupiter's atmosphere like a magnet. If Jupiter wasn't exactly where it is, wasn't as big as it is, didn't have the gravitational field as strong as it does; Earth would probably be pelleted by asteroids and meteors - some big enough to destroy whole cities.

While some believe this is a coincidence, I choose to believe it is by design.

Hasn't God done enough?

One for Two...

Have you ever found yourself in a seriously dysfunctional sad situation? Perhaps a situation you didn't see coming? It sort of snuck up on you through the thicket and pounced?

What do you do once you're in it?

Everybody wants an ideal situation. A good job with good pay and vacation days. A healthy family. A nice place to live with good food on the table. Good friends and family relationships.

But eventually (and inevitably) something comes up out of no where to ruin the good thing. A new family dynamic perhaps. A loss of a friend or a job. Fill in the blank.

I'll tell you about a crappy situation.

Jacob meets the girl of his dreams, Rachel. He works for said girl for 7 years and then on his wedding night, after drinking perhaps too much, he finds himself in bed with the girl of his dreams sister, Leah. Why? Because the girls father Laban pulled a fast one on Jacob. Apparently the customs didn't allow for the younger daughter to be married to the older.

When in bed in the night
and the soft touch doesn't feel right
stupid man turn on the light.

Anyways, so Jacob agrees to marry both the sisters (the year is 2000 BC so don't freak out). The catch is that he has to work another 7 years.

For Jacob this has to stink. Instead of one, he got two. And one isn't all that cute. He doesn't love her at all. And Rachel, he can't even get nearly enough time with her because he's always working or tending to her sisters needs.

We will leave Jacob for a moment off on a stool behind his tent frustrated and angry.

Rachel meets the man of her dreams, Jacob. Jacob works for her for 7 years. During this time they have gotten to know each other a little. He is strong and handsome and makes her laugh. Then, the night of her wedding, her father pulls her aside and sends Leah into Jacob's tent.

What the heck?

Your sister gets to sleep with your man! Oh no she didn't!

But yup, she did. Not only that, but now your father has agreed with Jacob to marry your sister also. So much for one on one time with your husband. So much for getting away from family. So much for togetherness. Kiss it goodbye sweetheart.

We will leave Rachel pouting upon the used bedsheets for a moment.

Leah has watched her sister and Jacob flirting for 7 years. She is already jealous because she is the oldest and should be married first. BUT NO. Her stupid younger sister found the guy first. Over the last 7 years no one has come to marry her. She develops self esteem issues. Then, on her sister's wedding night, her father sends her into Jacob's tent secretly in hopes he can get Jacob to marry both of them. She goes in, Jacob comes in a little tipsy, and the deed is done. But then Jacob finds out, Rachel finds out, and they are a little angry. Leah finds herself a wife in a household with her sister and a man who totally doesn't love her.

So Leah thinks that if she can have a kid with Jacob, maybe Jacob will love her. So she has 6 kids with Jacob. Guess what. Jacob still doesn't really love her.

Lets leave Leah here tending to the little ones while we return to Rachel.

Rachel finds herself barren. Her stupid sister has child after child. But Rachel can't get pregnant. She becomes super jealous and angry. She fights with Jacob and blames him for her barrenness. Her rebukes her and leaves. After being angry and bitter for years Rachel finally gets pregnant. But no sooner does she have her child then she immediately wishes for another.

Three people totally screwed up. An emotional nightmare.

Oh. Yeah, this story takes place in Gen 29:28- 30:24.

I'll talk more about this later, but it is comforting in the midst of serious struggle and frustration with God to remind myself that others have had it worse and that God still works.

(more later)

3:10 to Yuma

I went and saw 3:10 to Yuma tonight. I haven't seen a good western since Tombstone. This one had it going from the beginning with Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. Bruce Wayne and Maximus in the same movie. Good times.

The plot is simple and good. Dan (Bale) has to get the criminal Ben Wade (Crowe) on board a train to jail before Wade's gang catches up to him. A lot of good wholesome action takes place along the way. Plenty of six-shooter fun. A robbery. Indians. Horse chases. Plenty of money shots.

Although there is some language (sometimes very funny language), there isn't any nudity, very little gore, and I can't remember any suggestive material. It is rated R, and I would suggest parental supervision. But overall, I give it 4 stars.

Guitar Hero Aftermath

I think I may have broken my thumb. I was playing 'Psychobilly Freak Out' on hard and when I was done, I noticed that the bones in my thumb hurt every time I bent them. So while on the one hand, I totally rocked Billy's face off; on the other, I can't use my thumb to type and I keep typing things like: tats owtis wole ting wety down.

On another note:

Life is a lot like Guitar Hero. Sometimes its harder than expected. Sometimes its easier. Sometimes you hit every note right when you need to, and other times you miss a whole bunch and your score goes down. Rarely in life do you get to plan really far ahead, and then you have little time to prepare as the notes are coming toward you. And hopefully you picked a good song to play to begin with.

Sometimes Black Sabbath happens.

On another note:

Cassie has banned me from buying Guitar Hero.

It rocks here no more.

Saving the World One G-String at a Time

I did something really stupid people. I am saddened that you aren't shocked by this, but that you continued reading this like 'that's nothing new.'

I played Guitar Hero.

Or to say it better....I rocked Guitar Hero.

In truth, I played the Rock Band drums the other night at Walmart, and while I felt dumb doing this in the middle of the store, I also had the heck of a good time. But I vowed neevr to bring it into my house or become 'one of those people.'

I play guitar. Like, the real guitar - six strings and a pickup, hand me a strap and lets play Van Halen (I can't yet play Van Halen but I am working at it). So I never thought I would even remotely like the Guitar Hero game. It's like playing a snowboarding game when you live in Colorado and you could actually be snowboarding. Get your butt outside and down the hill with you. And your little dog too.

But then, as if God ordained it, my brother in law had the game and wanted to play. At first, I was skeptical. He looked like a total goob wearing that little plastic guitar that he had covered with weird stickers. He reminded me of those air guitar competitions that I made fun of last month while watching those sad people perform on TV.

But then it was my turn. And I found a Stone Temple Pilots song that I love.

Oh no.

The buttons began to feel natural against my finger tips. The whammy bar began calling my name. I breathed smoke. And suddenly, I became the Lord of Rock. (By Lord, I mean master - not God. I am not God or a God or the God. Let us not become egotistical).

You know how crack heads begin to do really stupid things in order to raise money for their addiction? Well.....

Don't be surprised if I invite you over to slay the rock crowds of the world who are calling my name and raising lighters as a general toast to my mad guitar button-pushing skills.

I may have to get a tattoo. Of a demon breathing fire with large fangs.

I would continue this post further but the Rolling Stones are calling my name.

I am coming Mr. Big Lips. I am coming.

Cheers.

Saving Private Ryan

So Tom Hanks finally stumbles across Private James Ryan of Iowa (also known as Jason Bourne) and the unexpected happens. Ryan doesn't want to go home.

Ryan decides that he has two options. One: He goes with Tom Hanks and the others, they return home to Hollywood, and Tom Sizemore doesn't have to die. However, if he does leave, his friends that are stuck defending that broken down city are now one more man short. And most of them are going to die before the P51's get there.

Option Two: Ryan stays and fights with his friends in the crappy broken down city. Tom Hanks then sees it as his responsibility to protect Ryan and fulfill his duty. In the process, Tom Hanks, Tom Sizemore and all but one of the others die protecting Ryan. However, the bridge is saved and the P51's show up, and not only do we have a movie, but also the most famous line,

'Earn this.'

Ryan's two options are really:
1. Obey orders and return home for the sake of your mother.
2. Do the honorable thing by staying with your friends.

Either way he is in between a rock and a hard place.

We all know what happens. Steven Spielberg's movie was viewed millions and millions of times. One of the more amazing movies to watch of our time. So intense that to this day there is still one scene that I cannot bring myself to watch.

But had Ryan gone home, Tom Hanks could have lived to see his wife. Tom Sizemore could have continued his dirt collection back in the good ol USA. The Jewish guy could have gone home and become a Hebrew scholar. The sniper could have become a pastor.

Decisions have consequences.

Choose wisely.

Happy Thanksgiving

I wanted to wish you all a great Thanksgiving. May you eat turkey and gravy and rolls and sweet potatoes and ham and cranberry pie until you get sick and collapse onto the couch in triumph.

We have many things to be grateful for. Even though storms can be rolling around your life wreaking havoc upon your otherwise normality's; when we stop and think for a moment - there are endless things to be thankful for today.

This wonderful Country.
Family.
The nice 37 degree day outside.
That we lived to see another season.
That so far, all of my friends who have had babies have had healthy ones.
For your spouse, and another year together.
For the blessings and struggles of new business.
For the heater that works inside.
For fun times playing guitar hero.
For good music.
For uncles and aunts serving the Lord in Ohio.
For grandparents who are healthy and feeling well. (Who will soon be great-grandparents).
For a cousin flying for Southwest.
For a dog who is almost five and her excitement she brings to my home.
For the love / hate relationship with my cat.
For my Dad's business that is still going stronger than ever.
For the fact that I only have one semester left in seminary.
For the fact I haven't lost my hair yet.

For a wife who wakes me up at 5 am to tell me she loves me.


May your Thanksgiving be blessed and your baskets overflow.

Cheers.

King Spencer on the Road to Thotwel

Continued from 'King Spencer Evacuates Eklo'.

The road was hot, dirty, with little grass along the way. King Spencer trudged along kicking up dust. Hours went by and pretty soon Eklo faded into the distance behind him. Mountains surrounded the road on either side, cresting skyward making Spencer feel small.

The road was empty and dirty. It hadn't been kept up. Its broken down appearance reminded Spencer of his home.

As Spencer rounded a bend he saw a lone person far out in front of him. Spencer picked up his pace. After several more minutes Spencer caught up with the person and discovered it was Lionna the Griffin.

'Lionna!' Spencer cried. 'It is so nice to see you here! I've been alone for hours! What are you doing here?'

Lionna shrugged a little. 'Well, I don't really know. I am going somewhere, but I don't know where. I guess I am going to where I will be.'

Confused by her answer Spencer asked, 'Why are you going to somewhere if you don't know where you are going? Why not go home?'

Lionna's gaze dropped to her feet before she said, 'I don't have a home anymore.'

'What?' Spencer asked. 'What do you mean you don't have a home?'

Spencer pointed towards the south. 'Helenschmidt is back that way.'

Helenschmidt was a small city on the outskirts of the land. Due to it's altitude, moisture, and greenery, most Griffins preferred to live there because of the wide variety of places to land and the cloudy scenery.

'Helenschmidt is gone.' Lionna answered.


'What do you mean it's gone?' said Spencer.

'Well,' Lionna began. 'A few months ago, there was a town meeting to discuss which music to play at the Harvest festival. In the past, we have always played 'The flight of the Tannens' in D minor. It's a very pretty song and always brings a tear to my eye when the children sing the last verse. But then, Murry the Hippo came to visit and he said...'

'Murry the Hippo came to visit you too!' Spencer asked.

'Yes. Why?' Lionna asked.

'He came to Eklo too.' Spencer said.

'Oh. Murry said that there was better music that could be played at our Harvest festival. He said the 'The Flight of the Tannens' was too old and that D minor is the sadest of keys. He said that in Thotwel, they played new music, better music. He said that the new music was more appropriate for today's citizens; that staying current and contemporary would keep the tradition of the festival going without feeling old.'

'Current. Contemporary. Practical.' Murry had said over and over.'

Lionna walked over to the side of the road and sat down. Spencer joined her.

'So at the festival, instead of singing 'The Flight of the Tannens', Murry sang one of the 'new' songs. After the festival there was a big argument because some people really liked the new song and others didn't like it. The conversation became an argument. Then the argument became heated with citizens choosing sides and saying harsh things. Eventually, the city was split into two groups; the 'Practicals' versus the 'Hangers'.

Practicals didn't speak to Hangers - Hangers didn't speak to Practicals. Families were split in two. Business shut down. The Orphanage closed down because the staff was in perpetual arguments over the music issue and they couldn't get along. Vandals began spray painting 'Closet Hangers' or 'Impracticals' along walls and buildings.

The arguments became so strong that the City Council decided the only solution was to abandon the city before total violence broke out. Murry led the 'Practicals' to the city of Thotwel because he said they used the newer type of music there. The Hangers scattered as well to the smaller cities in the country.'

Lionna sighted. 'As for me, I can't decide where I want to go. I don't want to go anywhere. I liked it in Helenschmidt. That was my home. I feel homeless now.'

Lionna began crying. Spencer put his arm around her shoulder.

'Look,' said Spencer, 'I am headed to Thotwel to see what all the to-do is about. My city shut down too shortly after Murry visited. I don't know what I think about that guy. Anyway, why don't you come with me. I don't like traveling by myself and I think it would be a good thing for us to find out the truth about what's going on in Thotwel. If it is as great as Murry made it sound, then maybe we can go back to our cities and start them all over again using Thotwel as an example. If Thotwel turns out to be a bust, maybe we can convince our people to come back.'

After a moment of tears, Lionna smiled and stood up. 'That sounds good,' she said.

Spencer stood up, took Lionna by the hand, and together they continued on the journey to Thotwel.

(To be continued)

Delay of Game

I know people.

I haven't posted in a few days. Don't fret. I have worked on several postings and they will all be posted in a few days. For now, sorry for the wait but life happens.

With that, I'd like to leave you with a quote.

'You ever crossed the road and looked the wrong way and then hey presto there's a car on you? So what do you do.? Something really silly. You freeze, and you're life doesn't flash before you because your too scared to think. You just freeze and pull a stupid face. The pikie didn't. Why? Because he had plans on running the car over.'

Turkish - Snatch

King Spencer Evacuates Eklo (2)

(continued)

Weeks went by. And then months. The city of Eklo slowly deteriorated. Since so many people had followed after Murry the Hippo, there wasn't enough people in the city to take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.

One of the orphanages had to be closed down and combined with another due to lack of food and staffing. Many widows were having a hard time getting around the city because there wasn't anyone to run the bus system. Businesses throughout the city were closing down one after the other. The city had to close it's gates at night because there weren't enough police to keep the thieves out.

Eklo had never looked worse.

High up in the palace tower, King Spencer wept on his desk. His magic robe lay over the side of an arm chair. It had turned dark brown with several rips running through it. Several whisps of fabric trailed off the ends and draped the floor. Spencer was out of ideas.

Desperate, King Spencer called his adviser, Roy the Gironomous. 'What's the status of the city?' Spencer asked.

'It isn't pretty,' Roy answered. 'There are only a few businesses still running, and those will probably close within the week. There isn't enough food anywhere with most of the grocery stores clothes. Most of the farmers have already left to find food for their crops elsewhere. If we don't implement a plan of action soon, the orphans and widows may starve.'

'There is nothing else to try,' Spencer responded. 'There just aren't enough people to make ends meet. All of our programs and plans don't work without the people working together to make the city a success.'

Spencer walked over to his terrace overlooking the now darkened city. 'We must evacuate the city.'

'Are you sure?' Roy sounded alarmed.

'I have no choice,' said Spencer. 'It is the smartest thing left to do. Load everyone left in the city into the vans and travel North to Thotwel. Maybe there they can find a new place to start over. Have a few men stay behind and board up all the windows of all the shops.'

Several hours later, all the buses pulled out of the city with it's last remaining people. Then the city was empty except for Roy and Spencer. 'Where's your magic robe?' asked Roy.

'I left it in the tower,' Spencer answered sadly. 'If there is no one in the city, then the robe isn't magic anymore. It's just a dirty rag.'

With that, Spencer shut and locked the final city gate. Then he turned North and began his long journey to see the King of Thotwel.

(to be continued)

Gym Motivation

Today I went to the gym like I typically do on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have already mentioned my loathing of the mirrors at the gym in a previous blog so I wont bring that up again here (but I hate them).

After about an hour, I could feel my muscles giving out and my left shoulder started to spasm which gave me a good reason to call it a day. On my way to the locker room, I had to pass by all the treadmills, stair steppers, and running machines.

On one of the stair climbers near the end I saw this huge dude (not in the obese Santa sense but in the 24" biceps sense) with a giant 'H' tattooed down his left arm. I don't know what the 'H' stood for.

As I passed behind him I noticed he was reading a magazine while he climbed his stairs. Maybe 'reading' isn't the right word. More like staring, because the magazine that was keeping his attention was some form of a 'Playboy-type' magazine and two naked women were folded up on the pages. At first, I didn't realize what I was seeing.

I must have jerked funny. Maybe I spasmed. I don't really know. But whatever I did got the guys attention. So, not wanting to be rude I choked out, 'What the heck is that?'

Probably not the best question I could have asked.

He laughed and said, 'They keep me motivated. As soon as I lose a couple more pounds I am going to be -(quotation edited at this point for the children)- some of this.'

I stared at the guy like my cat sometimes stares at me, with a mixed sense of curiosity and disdain. You can't really see the look I am trying to explain but trust me...it would probably make you uncomfortable.

I didn't respond to him, just smiled and went my way. I guess he is a typical American male. Maybe the world just assumes all men are like this. Maybe the men of today's post-post-modern world are supposed to view women as meat. Chunks of flesh on a centerfold. I see this example in sports, movies, billboards, clothing, perfume, car commercials - and I thought the woman's liberation movement was doing so well.

Sometimes in the past, I have endured my mother's rantings about how men are all scumbags and perverts. Although I have tried to laugh her off before,

Today she wins.

Survey Says...

Please take my little survey off to the side. It will help me know what you guys would like to see more of here. No sense in droning on and on about things you dont care about.

The End of Santa...

So I am driving up to Taco Bell because of the severe food shortage in my fridge. This is not my wife's fault. No, I just don't want to dig around in there and figure out how to make something for myself when she isn't home. And Taco Bell is 2 minutes away.

Really, I am minding my own business, trying not to look at the snotty blond woman in the BMW in front of me that cut in line in the drive through. I am trying not to be in any way judgmental or bitter. I am trying to convince myself to turn the other cheek and not throw my chewing gum out the window at her car. And I don't buy her stupid 'Honor Students' bumper sticker either.

While I wait, I decide to turn on the radio and listen to the latest news.

According to news from the U.K...

Jolly Old Saint Nick is going on a diet. Apparently, Santa Clause is obese. He is no longer being allowed to be his jolly fat self because he must think of the example he is setting for the children of the world.

This year, Santa is getting himself a gym membership for Christmas. This year, Santa wont have to perform magic to climb down your 4" flu-pipe chimney. Rather, he will slide down the pole in his boxers, showing off his newly formed pec muscles and abs.

Think of the example you are setting for the children Santa! You are non-verbally teaching the children that it is OK to be fat. It is OK to be obese. It is OK to have a bowl full of jelly as a belly. If you're not careful Santa, Al Gore may come after you next as a co-contributer to the world's destruction and ruination of the species. All these fat kids running around need to be taught that being skinny is next to being godly.

So throw away those red furry decorations of the former obese Santa that you may have on your Christmas trees (Oh. I'm sorry. We can't say the word 'Christmas' any more). Throw away your holiday trees people.

This year, Santa will be wearing body-builder spandex. As if the holiday season doesn't bring enough guilt and weight loss New-years-Resolutions - NO.

WE MUST LIPOSUCTION SANTA AND SAVE THE WORLD FROM OBESITY.

LETS GO AHEAD AND NEUTER RUDOLPH AS WELL! DECREASE THE FLAMING DEER POPULATION THAT IS WREAKING HAVING ON EL NINO! NEUTER ALL THE OTHER REINDEER AS WELL!

LETS TAKE THE DANCE OUT OF DANCER AND THE PRANCE OUT OF PRANCER! BLITZER WILL NEVER BLITZ AGAIN!

AND WHAT ABOUT THE ELVES! ALL THE LITTLE FAT WEIRD ELVES? WHY AREN'T THE ELVES INCLUDED IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES? ITS DISCRIMINATION! LETS ALL PUT ON GREEN RIBBONS AND SUPPORT THE CURE FOR THE ABUSE OF ELVES!

What kind of pathetic sad little world is this.....?

MY SANTA IS STAYING FAT!! JOLLY OLD FAT OBESE SANTA IS COMING DOWN MY CHIMNEY AND I AM LEAVING HIM COOKIES AND MILK AND CHEESECAKE AND FRAPPACINNO'S!

Stock up on guns people. I think we may need them in the future.

Cheers.

King Spencer & Murry the Hippo

Once upon a time, there was a king named Spencer who had a magical bright red shiny robe. King Spencer lived in a land far away called Eklo. Everyone who lived in Eklo helped each other out and in general, tried to make life work for the best, even when things were bad. Every business in the city worked with all the other businesses to make Eklo the best possible city to live in.

King Spencer worked very hard to make Eklo the greatest city in the land. He had crews taking care of the orphans and widows, crews working to keep the streets clean, he had doctors visiting the sick, and lawmakers who were just.

But as is always the case with big cities, King Spencer couldn't be perfect all the time. Sometimes the food for the orphans would show up really late. Sometimes the visitors to the city were called mean names. Sometimes neighbors didn't love each other the way they should have. And sometimes widows like Carmen the Thanerous were forgotten in all the busyness. And all of these things made King Spencer really sad.

To make matters worse, whenever there were sad people in the city, King Spencer's magical bright red shiny robe would become dirty and faded. This would make King Spencer work extra hard to make people happy so that his magical red robe would stay bright and shiny.

He stayed up late into the night thinking of ways to make Eklo better. He wrote out lists and plans, thoughts and inspirations, and other ways to make the city better down onto his notepad. But every time King Spencer tried a new strategy to help the orphans, sick, widows, and neighbors, his plans never worked quite perfectly.

The King began to wonder if it was even possible to have a perfect city that did everything it was supposed to do.

Then, on a cold crisp Monday morning, the King awoke to someone speaking in the city gate. He got up, put on his magical robe which wasn't so bright because of all the sad people in the city, and rushed down the stairs of the palace to the gate. Along the way, he was joined by Faris the Goriphant & Chester the Lampoon. When they arrived at the city gate they found a Hippopotamus named Murry speaking to the people of the city.

Murry the Hippo did not like living in Eklo. He told the people that King Spencer had failed to be a good king.

'King Spencer doesn't help the poor, feed the widows, or help the immigrants!' said Murry. 'He doesn't love everyone all the time. Sometimes the streets are dirty. Sometimes his bright red robe doesn't look so good. King Spencer doesn't know how to run a good city!'

Then, Murry the Hippo invited all the people living in the city of Eklo to follow him to a new city, a better city, that was being built in the distance.

'It's called Thotwel, and its the best place to live!' said Murry. 'It's not like Eklo. In Thotwel, all of the problems concerning the widows, neighbors, and orphans are addressed, and our King is wise beyond his years. He knows how to focus on the things which are truly important!'

Then, with a big yawn and the snap of his teeth, Murry waddled out of the city gates on his way to Thotwel. Then Alice, the Chikatoo bird asked Spencer,

'Is all this true? Do you really not know how we can solve these problems that Murry talked about? Are you not able to fix Eklo? Is your robe always going to be the faded and worn looking?'

King Spencer tried his best to answer. 'I don't know all these things yet. I don't know how to fix Eklo. I have tried many things but I haven't found a way that works all the time! Sometimes my ideas work, and sometimes they don't. But I am trying to find an answer.'

The Alice said to King Spencer, 'Maybe you should go talk to the King of Thotwel. Murry says he's already figured out the answers and that all the problems are addressed. Surely he is wise beyond his years! Until then, I am going to move to Thotwel.'

Then, as Alice turned to follow after Murry, most of the citizens of Eklo followed as well! Chester the Lampoon, Faris the Goriphant, Carmen the Thanerous, and many others left to follow Murry the Hippo to the city of Thotwel.

'Don't go! Please don't go!' cried King Spencer. But it was too late.

Murry, Alice, Faris, Carmen, and the others were gone into the distance.



TO BE CONTINUED....

Silence please...

I'm driving down 75 (about 15 mph) on my way home in the midst of the sea of crawling ants (also on their ways home) and I make a remarkable discovery.

The radio is absolute crap.

Not the actual radio per say, but the music that is playing through the radio. My radio is actually quite decent, save the blown speaker I need to replace (it's always something with vehicles. You drive them off the lot and then BAM, you gotta fix some stupid expensive thing).

As I flip through the channels I notice these choices:

'Grammerless' by Fergi

Kenye West using the word 'wronger'. Hello? Dictionary? Even Wikepedia would work. Or maybe he has so much junk in his grill that he cant speak straight.

One frickin American Idol star after another (I could have told you Taylor Hicks was never going to get anywhere big - but I hate that show so who cares?)

Big Pimpin (I don't know who it's by and I don't care to look it up)

Duran Duran

Britney Spears singing 'Gimme More' - which if she was talking about clothes or sanity I wouldn't mind so much.

Beethoven's 2nd Symphony

Little John barking something like the animal his songs make him out to be. A dog in heat per say...

A Cher remix. Does the woman ever go away?

And of course, my wife's favorite - the Beatles. The song doesn't matter. She loves them all. even the weirder albums.


So, given the ridiculous state of talent in the music industry (I see about as much talent there as I see in my cat), I decided to save the little gray cells (and my vocabulary) in my brain by shutting the radio off completely when not listening to classical music. It took a full week just to break the habit of not turning the radio on when I got into the car. It seems my hand just natural goes for the volume knob.

And then the silence sets in. Not real silence though because my car is a convertible and lets the traffic noise in like a wet Kleenex. But a traffic-like silence set in.

It's amazing where your brain will go when you don't fill it full of stupid grammerless distractions. Its kinda like cleaning up your hard drive on the computer. I could feel my brain throwing away gobs of trash and useless information (including some people's names that I probably should have remembered).

After a month of this, I have felt much better than before the stupid-music fast. I feel less stress, less anxiety, less frustration. You know the old saying, 'Garbage in, garbage out.' It applies here. Really.

Turn off the skubala people (skubala is the Greek word for crap only stronger). Let your brain breathe. Clean it out. Kick that arrogant egomaniac Justin Timberlake to the curb. If you never heard him again your life would be worlds better for it (I'm convinced he would marry himself if he could ever break away from staring at himself in his mirror).

Bring on the silence. Let it roar.

Cheers.