I'm Old.

Well, this month I celebrated yet another birthday. The Big 27.
And I hate feeling old and I try real hard to pretend that I'm younger. But the truth is dreadfully apparent.

1. I'm not sleeping through the night anymore. I'm lucky to get six hours of sleep without having to get up at some point to answer the call of nature.

2. My thought processes seem to be fuzzy. For example: Cassie and I thought it would be a smart idea to save money and move into a smaller apartment while our house is being built.

We moved into this apartment that resembles a rat nest. It has one bedroom - a tiny bathroom - a tinier living room - and a kitchen fit for a submarine. Cassie just informed me yesterday that we are going to have to move our mattress into the living room because our little angel Kohen needs an entire room for himself to sleep.
Also, when our little priest screams all day, there is no where to go to escape him in the apartment. Even Chloe (our black Lab) has requested to move to my parents house where she could escape all of us and swim in my parents pool all day. I told her I would move out and be in their pool long before I would let her. Cassie says we both need to shut up because the baby might hear us arguing and start screaming again.
So, Chloe, Kitty Master, and myself are all huddled in the bathroom arguing over who gets to move out first.
And let me remind you that somewhere in my mind this idea sounded ingenious back then and has turned into madness.
Secretly I have been checking the bathroom mirror to see if I might look different from day to day. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

3. My body doesn't recover like it used to. For example: I go running (and you all know how much I loathe running) and I feel it in my legs for the next 3 days. I hobble around like a cripple every night when Chloe needs to go in the grass. Its two in the morning and I look 80 years old, leaning on my neighbors bush for balance.
And who they heck are all these thugs wandering around my apartment at night? They're like mosquitoes buzzing everywhere, wandering from car to car with flashlights. Its really weird. you would think their mothers would have them in bed but no. Here they are, tapping the glass on my drivers side window with a flashlight looking for who knows what inside. Pants falling down, holding onto their crotch with one hand and cigarette in the other.
There are many moons in my apartment complex. Many many moons.

4. I'm so tired all the time that eating horrible McDonalds food doesn't sound so bad anymore. Beats cooking.

5. Our microwave broke when we moved and I still haven't bought another one. So now I look into the fridge and can find nothing to eat. Cassie says there is food in there. But it must be hiding behind the old milk or something cause all I see is pita bread and something in a Tupperware container I can't bring myself to open out of fear it might eat me.

6. The gym club people called me 'sir'. I should have smashed them but I'm supposed to be filled with love and mercy. I may smash them tomorrow anyway.

7. My sports car has become an inconvenience. Can't fit all three of us in the thing without feeling like Bobo the clown. Its practically a rebirth climbing out the back of that thing.

8. I keep making lists like this one. I do this because I am to tired to remember how I started without a list. Like leaving little bread crumbs behind me so I can regroup with my sanity should I get lost.

9. I have all these chores and lists of things to do and I never complete t

The Art of Perpetual Motion

I don't remember who (and that's probably a good thing), but somebody gave us this little blue bouncy seat for Kohen.

It sits on the floor of my living room. I place Kohen into the seat, press the button, and voile; it vibrates.

At first I thought this a wonderful piece of fine furniture. Kohen slept. I slept. The world was a happy place.

Until Kohen began screaming through the night.

And the day.

And the mid-morning.

And at Barnes & Noble.

And pretty much anywhere else I went.

Kohen screamed. I screamed. The world wasn't a happy place.

And then one day, during one hellish screaming fest, I bounced Kohen up and down in my arms.
And he stopped screaming.
Until I stopped bouncing him and he went right back to screaming notes only I and dogs could hear.

And I figured it out.

9 months in a bouncy womb + stupid vibrating blue chair = Kohen is only quiet when he is bounced.

So I am bouncing. And Cassie is bouncing. We're both bouncing like disturbing women in rap videos. And Kohen is quiet. And the world is a happy place.

Until Cassie's and my arms feel like they're about to fall off. And the screaming starts.

So we bought him this really expensive swing. It plays music and has five levels of fun swinging action.

And Kohen hates it.

Because it swings and doesn't bounce.

Kohen projectile vomits in the swings general direction.

And now we can't take it back to the store.

So we started bouncing him in our laps. And Kohen likes that.

So we're bouncing him in our laps. Kohen is happy. And the world is a pleasant place.

Until our arms and legs feel like they're about to mutiny and head to Mexico without us. Kohen's screaming. And the world isn't so great.


And thus, Cassie and I have developed the art of child in perpetual motion.

By the end of this, my biceps will be the size of Buicks.

The Green Beasty (Part Two)

First of all, I would like to begin by saying today is my 27th birthday.

May you rejoice and be glad in it.



Now, onto the Green Beasty.

My last blog talked about those in the group that believe creation happened as chance.

This one will focus on those who believe creation happened by intelligent design (meaning God, aliens, something with creative power that is not human).

This group believes that they and the rest of creation (the universe and earth and all in it) were created.

Not only created; but created on purpose with a purpose. That whatever intelligent being created them, they are here for a reason. This group has a much easier time in dealing with green issues for the simple reason that they fall back on their creator when it comes to these issues.

While the other group goes green out of fear and guilt, this group goes green out of an inherited responsibility and the fear of not following through with this responsibility.

The idea goes: Intelligent being creates Earth and man. The intelligent being leaves earth to man, that he should take care of it. Man takes care of the earth. For a while. Until Texas Tea is discovered. The world goes to pot. Pollution reigns. The intelligent being is ticked off with man for abandoning his responsibility. Intelligent being torches man.

So when it comes to tending to, cultivating, and taking care of the Earth; this group, because of its belief in intelligent design concerning creation, goes green because they feel the responsibility to do so.

Like when your mom tells you to take out the trash. You take it out.
When your boss tells you to prepare a presentation. You prepare it. And you prepare it well (if you want to keep said job).

Seriously, who wants to be the guy who destroys the Earth and then runs into Earth's creator. The creator says, 'What have you been up to?'

Stupid man - 'Oh. Not much. Just destroying what you created.'

'The Earth looks like crap now,' says the Creator.

'Yup.' says idiot man.

ZAP.

Idiot man no longer exists. (End of story)

So already, the presuppositions concerning creation that one brings to the issue of Global Warming, El Nino, Going Green, and such are first and foremost on the table.
You can't even start the conversation without seeing where the other person is coming from; chance or intelligent design.

But unlike those who believe he Earth was created by chance, those in this group have the problem then of figuring out the following:

1. What is my responsibility to this world?
2. What is my responsibility to its creator?
3. What are the consequences should I let the world go to pot?

And these are all good questions.
And this is where the people in this group go down their differing roads. The concept of intelligent design is broad, and all forms of God fit into this grouping. And Gods are different much to the dismay of the unitarians.

While I know about Buddhism and Islamic beliefs, I have decided not to focus on them for the remainder of this series. Mainly because I don't believe in either one of them.

Rather, I will focus on Christianity.

Till next blog,

Enjoy this fine and glorious day on the planet Earth, and may you remember my birthday. Oohrah.